Saturday, July 11, 2020

The Miranda Warning, Updated for Social Media.

You have the right to remain silent, except as set forth below.

You do not enjoy any constitutional rights of free speech or protection against coerced speech on any platform owned by monopolistic tech giants.

You do not enjoy any presumption of good faith regardless of whether you speak or not.

As defined in this warning, "reader(s)" includes people who know you in real life, including family and friends.

If you choose to remain silent, your silence on a matter of controversy can and will be taken by the reader(s) at their sole discretion to be tacit agreement with the worst possible take on the matter.

Further, the reader(s) at their sole discretion can and will associate your silence as agreement with the worst possible people--living, dead, or fictional.

Likewise, if you choose to remain silent, your silence can and will be construed as an act of violence at the sole discretion of the reader(s).

Should you choose to speak, everything you say can and will be amplified and used against you in the court of public opinion.

Neither factual accuracy nor incontrovertible evidence in your speech are relevant if the reader(s) feel(s) strongly otherwise.

Everything you say can and will be given the worst possible spin.

Everything you say can and will be used to associate you with the worst possible people, as set forth in Warning Line VI above.

Even if you speak in agreement with the reader(s), this can and will be deemed as an act of violence erasing more deserving voices.

You can be presumed by the reader(s) to own and enjoy a cache of Fascist literature, agreeing with all writers deemed to be bad people, living, dead, or fictitious, regardless of whether you have ever heard of them or not.

Things you never said, much less agree with, can and will be attributed to you as if you read it straight from this presumed cache.

Said definition of "Fascist Literature" will be determined at the sole discretion of the reader(s).

At all times, your speech is subject to characterization as "violence" at the sole discretion of the reader(s).

After the reader(s) have defended themselves from your silence or speech, we admit that you technically have the right to retain a lawyer to speak on your behalf--or to even file expensive, dicey litigation--as part of a likely-futile effort to put your shattered life back together.

However, this presumes you have the resources to afford a half-decent lawyer willing to brave association with an obvious dirtbag like yourself.

If you cannot find or afford such a lawyer, you should have thought of that before not speaking or speaking.

Do you understand each of these rights I have explained to you?

Having these rights in mind, do you wish to speak or not speak on the internet?

1 comment:

  1. You really should submit this to the Babylon Bee if you haven't, Dave.

    ReplyDelete

Be reasonably civil. Ire alloyed with reason is fine. But slagging the host gets you the banhammer.

It'll be fine.

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