The Onion's Up.

Lone Wolf Ashcroft Given Rookie Partner [Language Alert].

And just because I think Heineken is the most overrated brew on the planet: Hungover Heineken Promoter Can't Remember What He Said About Heineken Last Night.

And finally (squib story, no link):

Mass Grave Blasted For Lack Of Diversity

SARAJEVO, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA—Members of the International Coalition for Equality criticized a newly unearthed mass grave Monday, saying it lacked religious and racial diversity. "The funereal pit is brimming with Croats, nearly 300 of them, without a single representative Serb," ICE spokesman Jacques Marchand said. "Exclusionary burial practices like this send a negative message to the world. Corpses of all races and creeds should be tossed together to decay in harmony." Marchand acknowledged that the grave did, at least, have a sprinkling of women and children.

The sad thing is--I can almost picture someone saying this.