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Thursday, April 30, 2009

They told me if I voted for McCain, the Vice-President would be a moron. And they were right!

"And now, it's time for Health Minute With Joe Biden, brought to you by the makers of Haldol.

Haldol: Because you never know when you might be a heartbeat away.

"Hey, gang--Joe Biden here. Today I gotta load a tips for you on dealing with that Mexican pig virus, the swine flu. And you can do all of these at home, too, because if you leave your house without good reason during a pandemic, your eyeballs will melt and run down your face like twin runnels a demonic snot and you'll scare the crap outta the kids, God love ya.

Anyway, the swine flu, or as we in the Situation Room like to jokingly call it, Invisible La Migra--is spread by contact with droplets from infected people.

So, the question is, is anyone you know leaking inappropriately? Snotty nose, tears, abnormal amounts a drool, more than two shakes at the john, runny ear wax like you might get from an improvised ear cleaning experiment involving Schweppes and a kitchen funnel gone bad, but not that, because you promised your wife you wouldn't try stupid shit like that anymore?

If they are, time to don your home-made hazmat suit and get to work. As you can see here, I made mine outta Saran Wrap, electrical tape, cottonballs and pipe cleaners so you can breath through it and stop the little Latin bugs from gettin' past the lips. And God knows I like to flap mine, right? As they used to tell me growin' up back in Scranton, "Geez, Joe, shut the hell up--that's creepy. And stop playin' with your toes in class."

The good news is, you can make it with stuff lyin' around the house. Anyway, I'm puttin' the suit on now.

[Unholy sound of twisting and rubbing plastic.]

[Muffled voice.] OK, as you can see, it's on now. Wow, this is snug. Not to mention hotter than hell. Man, I'm already startin' to sweat. Right down there by Big Joe and the twins, too.

Anyway, now it's time to put on the wife's extra set a cosmetic gloves to protect your hands. OK, all ready. Now you grab four cans a Play-doh. Why Play-doh? First, it's fun. Reminds me of watching Gumby and his dog growin' up, and the dog would say "I need more blood, Gumby" or somethin' like that. Hilarious!

Second, you use the Play-doh to cork up the openings where the discharge is coming from. Then you grab your duct tape and a straw. You duct-tape up your friend/relative/stranger, stick a straw in their mouth and toss them into the crawlspace or garage and leave 'em there until the flu's over. You feed 'em soup through the straw, but make sure it's something clear like tomato soup 'cause I just tried this with Arlen Specter and found out that chicken 'n stars will clog it and they'll never stop bitchin'.

Anyway, that's all the time we have now. Next time, we'll discuss eldercare and pet grooming during this end-times plague-thing we got goin' here. There's ways to combine it to save time, and I'll show you how.

Until then, I'm Joe Biden, reporting from an undisclosed location and remember: Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Say what you will about Michael Sean Winters...

...the America Magazine blogger has no shame or sense of irony whatsoever.

Here he is, a scant five weeks ago, pouring syrupy praise on Mary Ann Glendon and confidently predicting a night of the long knives by Catholic conservatives:

Now, of course, the stage at Notre Dame will be shared by someone whom the right has seen as a champion, Ambassador MaryAnn Glendon. There is no denying her credentials either as a conservative or as a pro-life advocate. I will bet dollars to doughnuts the next few weeks will make clear, however, that some on the right will begin attacking Dr. Glendon. Of course, Dr. Glendon, like the University of Notre Dame, is a source of pride for all Catholics, not just for conservatives. I view the world through very different lenses from Dr. Glendon, but I would be blind not to admire her accomplishments, her intellectual force, and her love for the Church. Whatever disagreements I have with her are disagreements within the family. (Of course, the right wing doesn’t view Notre Dame with the same "All in the Family" spirit.) And, in any event, here is a chance to fight another battle in the culture wars so who cares if Dr. Glendon must be thrown overboard?

Here he is today:

Dr. Mary Ann Glendon certainly seems to think it a moral impossibility to share the stage with the President. Given the fact that her last employer, the Bush administration, committed torture which is, last time I checked, an intrinsic moral evil, it is rich to hear her lecturing about moral outrage. I do not doubt Dr. Glendon acted sincerely. She just acted as a sincere Republican. I hope the bishops who are in such high dudgeon about Obama will demand that Dr. Glendon be forbidden from receiving any Catholic honors until she renounces her association with the Bush administration. Unlike Obama, after all, she is a Catholic and clearly falls under the prohibition of such awards to those who violate the Church’s fundamental moral beliefs made in the 2004 document "Catholics in Political Life."

What a two-faced jackass. Not to mention a brazenly dishonest shill, but you can't make a revolutionary omelette without the occasional crass falsehood.

Where your heart is, there your treasure is, also. Looks like Winters' is in the Presidential Seal. "In all things charity"--unless you do something that makes the baby Caesar cry.

Going to be a hoot listening to the "Question Authority" progCath herdmind chanting "Ave Obama Imperator!" for the next few years.

Some men are strictly a pleasure to hang.

I stood before the casket of a three year old boy on Monday.

His name was Kyle. His mother was our neighbor and his uncle a good friend. On occasion, his mother would bring Kyle over and he played in our yard with our kids. He was fascinated by our turtle sandbox and the treasures contained within, and he smiled and waved at me.

He fell a year ago. Down a flight of stairs at his babysitter's. Had problems afterwards, but made a recovery, more or less.

Kyle was rushed to the hospital last Thursday and died.

Apparently, he didn't fall in the first place.

This is why I'm never going to be fully on board with the abolition of capital punishment.

Right now, I am left only with the cold wish that justice find Kyle's killer swiftly, and that he die alone, unmourned and forgotten, his memory obliterated from the mind of man.

And yes, Lord, please grant that I may one day be able to pray for the redemption of his killer's soul.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Oh, and if you want something Catholic.

My ND solution is over here.

Tis the season.

The NFL draft came and went, and, as is often the case, Lions fans are left feeling blackjacked.

This year, I'm rather less sympathetic.

"They didn't address needs!"

Rebuttal: I'm with Al--When your team is 0-16, the entire franchise is a giant sucking sound of needs.

Did they need a quarterback? Yes, unless you think Daunte Culpepper is going to somehow return to a form he hasn't shown in four years. Oh, and have I mentioned he's injury prone? And Drew Stanton turned out to be another high pick, injury-plagued MSU skill-position bust. Not all his fault, but a wasted second rounder.

Did they need a tight end? Given that they haven't had a credible one since David Hill signed a free-agent contract with the Rams in 1984, I'd say yes.

Did they need a speedy safety for the new defensive scheme? Sure looks like it, and whatever Schwartz' other shortcomings, he earned a good reputation as a defensive mind.

And that's just the first three positions. I'll even defend the wide receiver pick (cue rimshot and Millen references). We have in the cupboard Calvin Johnson and...a bunch of guys who couldn't hang on with other teams. Chronic Charles Rogers and Mike "Super-size Me" Williams are both out of football, thanks to the big brain on Matt.

The most screeching has been about the failure to take a middle linebacker, namely Rey Maualuga out of USC. Sounds good--they need an inside guy--until you realize he has coverage issues, despite the highlight reel hits. You can't afford a 2 down linebacker in this day and age, at least not that high.

The Lions may--heck, you can probably bet spending money on it--have botched yet another draft. But it won't be for the reasons most people are screaming about.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I still have an interest in blogging. Honest.

It's just that I have this thing called "non-internet activity" that tends to interfere with it.

I'm getting over my usual once in 18 months bronchitis (not swine flu--no intestinal issues, and I've been fighting it since right before Easter), Louis has an ear infection and rotovirus which has been projectile-exciting, the rest of the kids were sick with whatever turned into ebola for me, etc.

Oh, and I thank God every day that I am gainfully employed, so that's another crucial "non-internet activity" I attend to.

But, on the good front, we were able to go to the Norman Rockwell exhibition at the DIA, which all of the speaking 3 could appreciate. I also sat in on a lecture to the Asian and Islamic Art forum for a discussion on the artifacts found during the modernization projects in the medieval sections of Cairo during the late 19th century. Fascinating stuff (involving French expatriates, artistes and all-around dandies), and it prompted the first real collections of Islamic art in museums.

We also saw the Freys, and everybody but me and Louis saw the homeschooler co-op's presentation of Twelfth Night. Louis was sleepy after barfing, and the Nazarene church hosting the play had a fine nursery.

I've finished reading three books, two of which I will be able to speak about before September.

Oh, and I've been generously invited by Feddie to write for Southern Appeal, despite my ineradicable (unreconstructable?) Yankeeness. I have accepted, too.

More later.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Economic survivalism.

From near my hometown, no less.

Meet the Wojtowicz family:

Patrick Wojtowicz's family decided to transform their lives when his paycheck began to shrink last year. A truck driver, he was spending more time on the road, paying his own expenses while waiting for loads. He disliked being away from home for weeks at a time and worried about losing his job. Melissa Wojtowicz is self-employed and works from home.

Their dual paychecks allowed them to live comfortably, but they weren't satisfied, Patrick says. "We would basically buy stuff to feel good," he says. "When that stuff stopped filling the voids we had, we started analyzing what it was that we were really missing. We were missing being around each other."


Which, of course, puts you on the DHS watch list, as Zach (thanks!) points out.

Here's their very interesting blog, True North, talking about living "off the grid."

Tolle, lege!