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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Why so upset? It's just fiction.

Submissions Department
Random House, Inc.

Dear Sirs:

Enclosed is a copy of my first novel for your consideration. I think it will appeal to your readership at a number of levels: it is "simultaneously lightning-paced, intelligent, and intricately layered with remarkable research and detail." It centers on an explosive dark secret hidden by a very famous person and conspiratorial efforts to protect that secret. It also has plenty of sex, violence, nudity, along with violent sexual nudity. It will also be controversial.

With that introduction, I present to you: The DansMommy Code.

Yes, though fictional, it is based on aspects of the life of your hottest author, Mr. Dan Brown. Consequently, that will prove to be a useful hook to piggyback sales and simplify the promotional campaign.

The essential thesis of my fictional work is this: It was Mr. Brown's mother, Constance, who starred in the controversial film Deep Throat, not Linda Lovelace.

As noted above, though the book is fiction, it is based on the factual research done by myself. OK, me and my wife. The following is FACT:
  • Mrs. Brown and "Linda Lovelace" were both alive the year the film was made;
  • Mrs. Brown and "Linda" are both women;
  • Mrs. Brown has no documentary evidence that she was not on the set while it was being filmed;
  • Most startlingly, according to a respected pornologist I consulted who owns a copy of the script and some 8mm bootlegs of the film, DT contains a coded message: If you rearrange letters in the script, you get the phrase "I am Constance Brown." This is indisputable. [As an aside, I discovered this by using the scientific approaches similar to those taken by that Bible Code guy and the people who first played Stairway To Heaven and Walking On Sunshine backward and heard Lucifer talking.]
  • There are coded images in the film which spell out the phrase.
  • The Brown family would have an understandable motive to keep this quiet.

Now, the idea that Mr. Brown's mother could suck-start a leafblower will prove controversial, and no doubt the Browns might possibly take offense. However, (1) it's just fiction, and (2) DT was a revolutionary film with a resonating impact on culture, which continues to echo in the so-called "culture wars" of today, making these important ideas worth discussing. It is safe to say that the discussion generated will be fascinating, as will be the input of scholars of both print and film.

I look forward to your response.

Very truly yours,

Dale Black [pen name]

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