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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I'm saying Season 2, Week 4--at the latest.

That will be the first sign we see that Jim "The Schwartz" Schwartz, Head Lamb Prepared For The Slau--er, Coach, of the Detroit Lions, is developing "Lions Coach Look."

The Lions have had many coaches during the disastrous ownership tenure of William Clay Ford, but all of them since Don McCafferty died in the offseason of 1974 share one thing in common: they all acquire Lions Coach Look.

It doesn't matter what talent level or resume they bring with them, from good (Steve Mariucci, Bobby Ross) to passable (Wayne Fontes, the late Monte Clark, God rest his soul) to out of his depth (Rick Forzano, Darryl Rogers) to epic-godawful-FAILFAILFAIL-a-deceased-parakeet-is-better-with-Xs-and-Os-not-to-mention-a-cannier-judge-of-talent (Rod Marinelli). They all get The Look.

It's kinda like the 1000 yard stare meets Who activated the Infinite Improbability Drive?

Imagine the look on the face of a coach who is trying to calmly process the fact that a touchdown was negated by a zeppelin landing at the 50 yard line and disgorging a couple dozen midgets dressed like the Village People who then proceed to play air guitar to Space Truckin'.

That's what Lions Coach Look is like. It's watching the same stupid mistakes over and over, coupled with fresh-hell ways of losing. It's watching the game plan come apart in new and varied ways. It's the dawning realization that the job of coaching this hopeless few (regardless of the names on the backs of the jerseys0, this band of strangers, is a Sisyphean, not Herculean, task.

So, I'm saying next season, barring dramatic improvement. But I'll move it up to this season if they can't beat the Rams.

On the other hand, the Wolverines are roaring toward respectability at a gratifying clip, so I have that going for me.

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