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Thursday, August 05, 2004

Oh, Deer Lord.

John Kerry tries to impress the flyover types in Wisconsin with tales of his deer hunting prowess:

He was asked in the interview Sunday what kind of hunting he preferred.
"Probably I'd have to say deer. It's tough, depending on where you are," said Kerry.
"I go out with my trusty 12-gauge double-barrel, crawl around on my stomach. I track and move and decoy and play games and try to outsmart them. You know, you kind of play the wind. That's hunting," said Kerry, whose manner was relaxed as he spoke on the final day of an excursion along the scenic upper Mississippi that he seemed to take some relish in.


[Blink. Blink.

Interlude of glass cleaning.

Re-reads excerpt.

Interlude of vigorously rubbing closed eyes with fingers.

Re-reads excerpt.

Interlude of closed-eye cleaning and vigorously rubbing glasses with fingers.

Re-reads excerpt.

Sound of car-jack ratcheting lower jaw back up into rest of face.]

I did read that.

Oy.

Do you know what you call a guy who hunts deer by crawling around on the ground?

Unsuccessful.

Wounded a lot by his buddies in bizarre hunting "accidents," for another. [Think of the sportsmens' equivalent of "fragging" and you're right there.]

"Hey, see any whitetails hunting with 'Wormy' today? No? Bad luck, eh?"

You see, there's just a little problem with hunting for deer by crawling around on ground: your prey has what is known as "acute hearing." This means, suprisingly enough, that they are going to hear your Ivy-educated fanny flopping through the dry autumnal underbrush like a seizure-prone badger from one hell of a loooooong ways off.

In other words, you won't come within a half-mile of the animals you think you are "hunting" because they've managed a rare trick for walnut-brained mammals:

They outsmarted you.

Stick to tales of boarding-school and yachting hijinks, Senator, and you'll be a lot better off.

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