When life imitates Monty Python.
H = Husband [Graham Chapman]
W = Wife [Terry Jones]
[Church Bells in the background]
H: I wish those bloody bells would stop!
W: Oh, it's quite nice, dear. It's Sunday - it's the church.
H: What about us atheists?! Why should we have to listen to that sectarian
W: You're a lapsed atheist, dear.
H: The principle's the same! Bleedin' C of E. The Mohammedans don't come
around here waving bells at us. We don't get Buddhists playing bagpipes
in our bathroom. Or Hindus harmonizing in the halls. The Shintuists don't
come here shattering sheet glass in the sh*thouse and shouting slogans--
W: All right! Don't go practicing your alliteration on me!
H: Anyways, when I get my membership card and blazers badge back from the
League of Agnostics, I will urge the executive to lodge a protest
against that religious racket! Pass the butter knife.
W: What ??
H: PASS THE BUTTER KNIFE !.. Thank you !... If only we had some kind of
W: Hang on, I'll close the window.
[closes window - bells sounding a little less loud]
H: If only we had some kind of missile, we could take the steam out of
those bells !
W: Well, you could always use the No. 14 To St-Joseph-The-Somewhat-Divine
-On-the-Hill ballistic missile. It's in the attic...
H: What ballistic missile would this be, then?
W: I made it for you. It's your birthday present!
H: Just what I wanted! How nice of you to remember, my pet. Here!
H: Those bells are getting louder!
H: THOSE BELLS ARE GETTING LOUDER !
W: The bells are getting louder ! Oh, look!!
W: The church! It's getting closer!! It's comming down the hill!!!
H: WHAT A LIBERTY!!!
W: It's turning into Holmes Lane!!
H: Straight through the lights, of course! Typical!
W: Well, you better go and put it out of it's misery!
[Bells gaining in intensity with every passing second]
H: Where's this missile, then?
W: It's in the ironing cupboard! Press the button marked "Church"!
H: How do I aim it?
W: Ohh, it automatically homes in on the nearest place of worship!
H: That's St. Mark's!
W: It isn't now! Look! Oh, it's opening the gate!
H: WHAT? USE THE MEGAPHONE!
W: IT'S OPENING THE GATE!
H: I'LL POP UP TO THE IRONING CUPBOARD !!
W: HURRY UP !! IT'S TRAMPLING THE BEGONIAS !!!
[sounds of ballistic missile lauching]
[explosion, crashing of church walls & bells slipping into silence]
H: ...Did I 'it it ?
W: Yes, right up the aisle.
H: Well, I've always said: "There's nothing an agnostic can't do if he
really doesn't know whether he believes in anything or not!"
[Newspaper link via Fr. Bryce.]