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Friday, April 30, 2004

Boy Mocks Man.

[Bad Language Alert.]

By now, you've probably heard about the creature called Rene Gonzalez, a UMass grad student, and his decision to piss on the memory and sacrifice of Pat Tillman.

As it so happens, I have some opinions about Mr. Gonzalez, too.

When the death of Pat Tillman a real man occurred, I a not-man turned to my one friend Mr. Jorge, King of All Sock Puppets™ who was watching the news with me on Friday night, after my usual couple of hours of intently watching Skinemax and said, "How much you want to bet they start talking about him as a 'hero' in about two hours?" That, and I asked him if he remembered when Femalien 2 came on. Of course, my friend did not want to make that bet. Mr. Jorge™ not being a betting sock. He'd lose. And Mr. Jorge's™ a bad loser, right? [Makes puppet nod.]

In this self-critical incapable nation

Wha...? Not-man is apparently a not-graduate student in English. Next time, let the puppet write, buttercup.

nothing but a knee-jerk "He's a hero" response is to be expected.

Actually, the only jerk here is the writer-chump from UMass.

I've been mystified at the absolute nonsense of being in "awe" of Tillman's "sacrifice" that has been the American response.

Ponder, Jackass, just for a minute, the fact you can crap on a far better human being in print and not be tossed into the clink or lined up against the wall, and you might be able to understand it. Come on, try it--let the two or three neurons left inside your capacious skull have a crack at it!

Mystified, but not surprised. True, it's not everyday that you forgo a $3.6 million contract for joining the military. And, not just the regular army, but the elite Army Rangers. You know he was a real Rambo, who wanted to be in the "real" thick of things.

Half a neuron at work in the first three sentences--then return to anancephaly in the last.

Um, Jackass--you have evidently forgotten about what happened on September 11, 2001. Three thousand of your putative countrymen massacred by fanatics succored by a dark-age relic regime in Afghanistan? Where Pat Tillman went to fight?

Oh, that's right--that hiccup didn't matter to moonbats. It's all about Halliburton and the ooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllll for the League of Marxist Academic Blowholes Indifferent To Hygiene and Humanity. It never matters to people like buttercup here: unless it actually happens to them or someone they somehow seem to care about--on those rare occasions when they manage to break out of their cocoons of righteous self-adoration.

And bad grammar.

I could tell he was that type of macho guy, from his scowling, beefy face on the CNN pictures.

Um, I don't want to hint, or anything--but "scowling, beefy face"? "Macho"? Repeated references to the muscular "Rambo"?

All I'm saying is that it's entirely possible the first draft of the above sentence might have mentioned "rough, calloused hands" or "scratchy, stubbly chin."

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Well, he got his wish.

Yep--got to fight those who helped slaughter innocents. God bless him.

Even Rambo got shot in the third movie, but in real life, you die as a result of being shot. They should call Pat Tillman's army life "Rambo 4: Rambo Attempts to Strike Back at His Former Rambo 3 Taliban Friends, and Gets Killed."

Oh, a blowback reference. How clever.

Hey--I have an idea! They should call Rene Gonzalez' college life "Wanker 5354: Another Mediocre Student Goes Through Life Frustrated In His Attempts to Bed Chunky Ani DeFranco Wannabes, Pontificating About Derrida And Other Things He Really Doesn't Understand Before Passing Out Face Down On A Shag Carpet Spackled With His Own Vomit After Another Lonely Saturday Evening Rolling Rock Bender."

My movie will do better.

But, does that make him a hero?


I guess it's a matter of perspective.

And America was just pining for the "perspective" of some grad student and his sock puppet.

For people in the United States, who seem to be unable to admit the stupidity of both the Afghanistan and Iraqi wars,

Again, not-man--what was the cause of these wars? Remember that beautiful day in September? Within limits, reasonable, honorable people could argue about Iraq, I suppose, but any jack___ who thinks the war in Afghanistan was "stupid" is projecting.

such a trade-off in life standards (if not expectancy)

I'm having a hard time believing English is among your first three languages, dimwit.

is nothing short of heroic. Obviously, the man must be made of "stronger stuff" to have had decided to "serve" his country rather than take from it. It's the old JFK exhortation to citizen service to the nation, and it seems to strike an emotional chord.

Which is why it's so alien to bi-coastal grad students. It's even more mystifying than the reason why the tattooed goth chick with all the body piercings won't give him the time of day. Lesbian....

So, it's understandable why Americans automatically knee-jerk into hero worship.

Hmmm. Two mentions of "jerk." Hey, I'm just thinking aloud here.

However, in my neighborhood in Puerto Rico, Tillman would have been called a "pendejo," an idiot.

Cough-projection-cough! Why do I think little Rene heard "pendejo" a lot growing up? BTW--every Puerto Rican who ever wore the uniform of his country (amongst whom number four Medal of Honor winners) is going to be lining up for a word with the Bold Contrarian.

Tillman, in the absurd belief that he was defending or serving his all-powerful country from a seventh-rate, Third World nation devastated by the previous conflicts it had endured, decided to give up a comfortable life to place himself in a combat situation that cost him his life.

Gonzalez, in the absurd belief that his attempted desecration of the memory of a real man was a mark of courage, decided to give up his comfortable-and entirely warranted--anonymity to place himself on the do-call list of an outraged continent, costing him his sleep and former phone number.

This was not "Ramon or Tyrone," who joined the military out of financial necessity, or to have a chance at education.

Oh, that's right--people of color are always poor and never patriots.

By the way--leaving the name stereotyping aside--some of these folks on the front lines are white, too. And respond to "Doug," or "little brother."


Sorry, but there is no other word.

This was a "G.I. Joe" guy who got what was coming to him. That was not heroism, it was prophetic idiocy.

Oh, would that Gonzalez would get what was coming to him--the challenge to a duel with pistols at dawn from Pat's little brother. Another challenge the not-man would likely flee from with all due haste.

Tillman, probably acting out his nationalist-patriotic fantasies forged in years of exposure to Clint Eastwood and Rambo movies, decided to insert himself into a conflict he didn't need to insert himself into. It wasn't like he was defending the East coast from an invasion of a foreign power.

I don't remotely endorse e-mail or phone death threats.

BUT I UNDERSTAND THEM. You really have to find English incomprehensible if you don't view 9/11 as an attack by a foreign power.

Hell, you have to find reality incomprehensible to see it the way the not-man does.

THAT would have been heroic and laudable. What he did was make himself useful to a foreign invading army, and he paid for it. It's hard to say I have any sympathy for his death because I don't feel like his "service" was necessary. He wasn't defending me, nor was he defending the Afghani people. He was acting out his macho, patriotic crap and I guess someone with a bigger gun did him in.

"'F', Pat?"

"Yes, there is one 'F'!"

"I'd like to buy a vowel--a 'U?'"

"Yes! There are two 'U's!"

"I'd like to solve...."

By the way, Multiculti Boy--the Afghans are called simply that--Afghans. "Afghanis" are their monetary unit.


Perhaps it's the old, dreamy American thought process that forces them to put sports greats and "larger than life" sacrificial lambs on the pedestal of heroism, no matter what they've done. After all, the American nation has no other role to play but to be the cheerleaders of the home team; a sad role to have to play during conflicts that suffer from severe legitimacy and credibility problems.

Again, Jackass, on September 11, the American people weren't "cheering from the sidelines"--they were on the front lines. Often choosing to plummet to the streets instead of being burned to death. Pity you were too busy either scanning Das Kapital or scanning HBO for that Shannon Tweed flick that day.

Matters are a little clearer for those living outside the American borders. Tillman got himself killed in a country other than his own without having been forced to go over to that country to kill its people. After all, whether we like them or not, the Taliban is more Afghani than we are.

And the Nazis were more German than Eisenhower's boys. By Jackass' custard-headed logic, I guess we should have ignored the U-Boats, extermination camps and the declaration of war and just left the poor paperhanging SOB alone.

Their resistance is more legitimate than our invasion, regardless of the fact that our social values are probably more enlightened than theirs.

Behold--Pro-Taliban revisionism. A new low, though I suppose it was inevitable. Stoning women to death for showing nostrils or teaching kids to read versus a corporate "glass ceiling." Yeah, "probably" more enlightened. Still, you might not want to try that one out on the cute Spartacist chicks--even they might not like it.

For that, he shouldn't be hailed as a hero, he should be used as a poster boy for the dangerous consequences of too much "America is #1," frat boy, propaganda bull. It might just make a regular man irrationally drop $3.6 million to go fight in a conflict that was anything but "self-defense." The same could be said of the unusual belief of 50 percent of the American nation that thinks Saddam Hussein was behind Sept. 11. One must indeed stand in awe of the amazing success of the American propaganda machine. It works wonders.

It's not nearly as impressive as the propaganda machine that is the American Public University, the last refuge of unrepentant totalitarian Marxism this side of Pyongyang. Only a UMass could work a wonder like Rene Gonzalez.

I'll hang with the frat boys every time. P.S. to Rene: they do better with the ladies.

[Idiocy fatigue sets in, and root causes meandering snipped.]

Rene Gonzalez is a UMass graduate student.

Sucks to be a Minuteman alum.

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